The Drama, the Drama of My Life in Sepia

I have come to learn that the real happiness is really hard to find. I have been trying to look somewhere, but as they say it's a needle in a haystack. Then, it could be a gamble on my part. I am trying to find it on every people I meet, I got a connection with. Inevitably, I always failed. I have been depressed many times because of this. I might have experienced temporary bliss, but the compromise is a little painful if not gruesome. Happiness I thought is found by having to enjoy every moment without thinking of the future, just the present, focus on the present. No rainbows, just what is now and what WE have. But, no! It is always about the future. What will you get next, what is upstake with this "present"?

But, I prefer to think that I live in the present and think that this will LAST and hold the fear that it will not. Yet, as the fear gets humungous and seems to cover the brighter horizon, I succumb into fear of having to fail again. Failure is my dessert. After that, I have to repeat the whole meal again the next day and face the yet-another-necessary dessert. I cannot vomit. I have to continue.

Right now, I don't know where my road will lead me. I know I will still encounter tiny tidbits of happiness, but the ultimate happiness is not found with the people you meet along the way. It is found with the security of believing that in time, it is the gift you will receive from the Greater Being that you will be willing to share with others. I am happy now and I will be very happy in the future.