Not in this blog anymore

I know. I could have just led you to my new blogpost address. but yes, it is still fun to use this link. So, please click on the link and be led to my revamped blog site, roveljohn.blogpost.com. I'm not sure why I changed it but dammit, I kinda regret it. Boohoo. Hoo.

'Tis

How time flies faster than you think it would be. What's scariest is the fact that we are never going to be young again. And what's scariest is the idea that someday we might get old without a feckin' job.

'Tis the season when we never really think of money unless you have no money at all. 'Tis the season when we just dough out our cash without even thinking that in the year 2007 we will have nothing. 'Tis the season when we barely think of ourselves. And definitely 'tis also the season when I will be celebrating my beerday, so in a sense I will be thinking about money, I will not dough out any money, and certainly will think of only myself. Forget 'tis season.

Kidding!

That is why I hate this season because it is also my beerday season so definitely lots of dough will be thrown out of my pocket. I just doughed out bajillion cash for my sister earlier and will be spending more on my beerday if I have anything left.

I hate 'tis season.

Lately

LATELY, I just downloaded the "Lately" video by Skunk Anansie. I haven't heard the song yet due to the complexity of the PC that has no speaker and headset, but generally I always liked SA videos.

LATELY, I have been feeling depressed. Not a news to everyone, I always felt this way when I have gone tired of the things I do. Yes, I'm sick and tired. Yes, I'm sorry but I'm sick and tired already. Kill. Kill. Kill. Me.

LATELY, I have been looking for diversions to get me through this humongous boredom. I tried looking for part-time jobs, McDo check, Korean tutor check, aspiring 'ngo-ngo' DJ check, metro aide check. Actually, I haven't done anything to do something about it, maybe next year. Yes, procrastination is my surname.

Not so LATELY, I wrote a poem. Yes, I will always say yes, I'm a po-et. And this is what I wrote, about depression and mania:

+++++++++++

God, there is no justice in the world.
I can't think of anything anymore.
Maybe later I'll write a poem.
Yes, procrastinate.
Procrastinate more.
Bow.#

Next Option?

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with myself.

Even if I keep repeating those words, I will never ever know what to do with myself. Hmmm... Thinking wouldn't help either. For now, I don't know if I have chosen the right career. I believed I'm more inclined on the creative side. I'm an arteest (stress on the second syllable), or so I believed. I am a pleaser who easily gets frustrated and who is also hard to please. For this reason, I am quite aware that I got the wrong job, but you'll never know; no one really does. You can't always have what you want. Cliche. Cliche. Life's a cliche.

And thus the burning question: If this is not it, then what would be the next option? Hmmm... Suicide?! Kidding. I really don't know. Based on the resources I have, I really have nothing in my hands. Let the ball roll, they say. But with the presence of inertia, there's never a straight direction. Keep on rollin' sideways.

Bleak

My future is bleak. I'm a "present" person; I enjoy the moment, but I also think of the future; and as I have said, it is bleak, blurry, scary. I don't know what I want, what I really want, what I will become for the rest of my life, calling on 700 Club. Where will I start, I don't know. All those "Your future starts here" crap scares me, because really how will I know that this is the start of the race, the beginning of the puzzle, the "x marks the spot" portion. I hope I know.

My future is bleak, as bleak as the ending of this thing I'm writing about. No ending. Really. Bleak.

Panic! at the Cubicle

If you don't know what to do, as a normal person, you would panic. As a not-so-normal one, you make a scene worthy of a Golden Globe for best dramatic actor. I hope I did the first normal thing to do, but I certainly remembered I made a scene (not so worthy yet very believable) only a few quite noticed, damn! It was my first take on my job (I am not particularly sure if it is OK to discuss it in here, so I'll just be pretty vague about it). It was horrible as I thought it would be, but I panicked anyway, so much for the confidence.


I never thought this thing would really be that hard for a non-experienced idiot as I am. Uhmm, well, statistics show it will be. The first tries were finished, and I am still struggling to find that edge in me. Everybody thought I would be great (for this, I also thought I will be), but then just like those ironic twists on movies, I stumbled, stuttered, and for the love of all things holy, killed my self-esteem along the way. I was crushed; crushed as an egg falling from the edge of a cliff. I could have chosen a better description for that, the heck I can't; Humpty Dumpty's the first thing that comes in my mind. Well, this is never the first time; I have a good share of embarassments, TMTM (too many to mention).


The Cube, the place I will abhor for the rest of my life or should I say, more probably, the rest of the years before someone will pull me out of this pithole (my sister, it's you, don't try to mock me!); was a little claustrophobic. Although, I don't have that kind of fear and I have been there gazillion times, it might be one of the reasons I crapped my ass off. I was a mess and the place is altogether messy, lots of worried faces struggling for some help, and I think I was never alone. I was just one with the crowd. They are laughing with me not at me. Or I hope so.


I know this is just a phase, and everyone must do all things for the first time. Now, it will be my second time and I'm not quite sure I will be able to get through to it, maybe the next time; I'm really not sure. But for sure, things will get pretty sticky in the following days, just like the armpit of someone I know. Hmmm, how do you practice multi-tasking if you're panicking?!! Oh, tomorrow will be another mess I will try to wipe clean. So help me All Things Holy! ~~~

Morbidity and Mortality

Paranoia. We live in paranoia where transient lives filter every molecules confined in space. Mortality is either brought by natural causes (calamities, diseases, etc.) or the not-so natural ones (murder, accidents, etc.). We never really know what could become of life after death. And why am I talking about this abomination? Well, morbidity is my lunch.

Paranoia. When I die, I was thinking it would be either due to drowning, hit by a speeding bus, airplane crash, eaten by a shark after a ship sank, or abducted by aliens and will never be heard of ever again (I just made up the 'aliens thing' because it is way too cool), but never by a degenerative disease or a virus/bacteria contracted from a passenger in a jeepney. I always thought my death would be something very sudden, something I could never prepare for, like accidents or alien abduction. That's why I am so paranoid. I might get a disease right now and know my exact day of death, that's way too uncool. I can't imagine the dialogue I will have with my family and friends, all the sobbings, the sniffs, the sobs. Although I look good when I cry according to one of my friends, I could never imagine myself crying with all these tubes hanging from my body. That's way too pathetic, obviously. I'd like to elaborate more on this but I'm afraid the person sitting right next to me might have a TB, and this is an airconditioned room, droplets, droplets.

Paranoia. They say only paranoids survive. But in this world, nobody survives. We'll all die anyway.